Reminiscenting on a dream
by Morndulin
Summary: Sequel to my previous fanfic - May I share this dance? Set about half years after the last episode and Zero Requiem. Suzaku just can't forget Lelouch and is lingering on the past when his faith begins to catch him. Rating may rise in later chapters.
1. Birdcage

Reminiscenting on a dream

Pairing: mainly Suzaku-centric, hinted Suza/Euphy, later MAYBE SuzaLulu

Rating: T

Genre: angst

Warnings: set after ep 25 R2.

Part 1. Birdcage.

There were few things Kururugi Suzaku missed from his previous life. One of them was to be able to feel wind against his face, when walking outside. And the other one.. well, it had something to do with that amethyst-eyed Zero, Lelouch vi Britannia, 99th Emperor of the Britannia, but most of all his greatest enemy and his best friend.

It had already been over six months since Zero requiem, since he had died to the world and taken up the mask of Zero, the mask of the World-saviour. The World was finally at peace, but with great losses. Tokyo had been sacrificed, millions of people had died and been slaughtered.

The new Emperor, no, Empress, Nunnaly vi Britannia had taken up the crown her brother had left for her and Schneizel had been appointed with the title of the Prime Minister. All the political prisoners had been freed and everything was finally starting to settle down. It should have been a happy thing and in some ways, Suzaku felt it was, but he had also lost almost everything he had loved and now he only could only hide in the hidden halls of the Emperor's castle, never leaving the shielding walls again. It reminded him painfully of his last duty, of the last murder he had committed and most of all, it reminded him of Lelouch, their short time as accomplises and that final dream he had seen on the eve before the murder.

Suzaku sighed aloud, sitting on his bed. He really shouldn't be reminiscenting on the past. Maybe he just needed that feeling of fresh air and more than he admitted to himself, so he couldn't forget what he had already lost, on his own free will.

Actually it was Suzaku himself who had forbidden himself of walking outside without the mask. It was one of the ways he wanted to torture himself with, thinking that since Lelouch hadn't gained nothing in the end, nether should he. It was foolish, even childish and the man knew it, but he couldn't help the painful stabs of remorse each and every time he wore that mask of the murder. As the matter of fact he seldomly moved out from his personal quarters, because it was the only place where he could freely wear what he wanted, or atleast that's what Suzaku had decided.

In the face of the World he was Zero, The Saviour, Man without Identity. To Nunnaly he was a murder, even though she had said she had forgiven him. Suzaku just couldn't believe it, after all, he was the one who had taken away the only person Nunnaly had ever wanted to spend her days with.

Suzaku sighed again, resting his head against his hands. He knew he couldn't hide like this forever, but he just didn't know how to start living again. Man stood up, walked to the window. He opened the curtains a little, looking at the green garden from the little opening. He sighed once again, letting the curtain close once again.

"You really seem like an old man, sighing every two minutes, Zero-sama...or would you prefer, Suzaku-kun?"

Called man turned around, startled by the sudden precense. "Schneizel-sama." Tall blonde man stood at the doorway, small smirk playing on his lips. During the war they had been on the same side, except for the last fateful months after his "death".

After the Zero Requiem the Throne Prince had immedeatly know his true identity, but it really hadn't been that surprising, considering he was the only man Lelouch never could win. They were once again on the same side, but that didn't have to mean he had to actually like the blonde.

Suzaku bowed slightly, looking Schneizel straight in the eyes. "What could you possible want from me, Prime Minister, Schneizel el Britannia?"

Blondes smile grew even wider and he stepped inside the room. "Nothing much. I just happened to hear that you have not been outside for three months and for the past two, your food has been brought straight here..." Man took a little pause, looking amused at the young Japanese.

"I can't understand why on Earth would it matter to you wheather I leave my chambers or not. No offence intended." Brunette tried his best to remain calm, not wanting to show he had been thinking about the exact same thing before interrupted.

"Actually, I really do not care how you decide to spend your time. To me you are the man who freed the World of my foolish little brother, nothing more. But my dear little sister, Nunnaly, has been quite worried about you. She has been so busy lately she has not gotten the chance to visit you personally, but she mentions you quite often, so I took my freedom to visit you."

Another small pause, just enough time for Suzaku to think and feel guilty. "Do you intend to tell me that I should show myself as the man of the miracles, as Zero once again? I thought you had the peace already and I'm nothing more than a bedside story for the kids to tell. The World doesn't need me, nor the Zero any more. It's just as Lelouch wanted it to be." There was a hint of anger in his voice, but also sadness. Not really wanting to admit it, there really seemed to be nothing left for Suzaku to do in this world.

"I never would have guessed, you would be the type to get depressed, Kururugi Suzaku. But then again, I would not have guessed many other things from you eather when we first met. It is not really my business, if you want to spend the rest of your life indoors, reading books and what ever you find amusing, but my sister would not think of too highly of me if I would let that happen. Especially after she has asked me to invite you to dinner tonight."

Suzaku shot a questioning look towards Schneizel. How was he supposed to eat while wearing a mask that covered up his entire head? "Ah, I forgot to mention, it will be only the three of us. So you can wear what ever you prefer, even those traditional Japanese, if you feel like it."

With this Suzaku blushed slightly, he had only hakamas on, since he had been practicing kendo just a little while ago. "I can not force you to come, but I really ask it, for Nunnalys behalf. I guess I will take my leave now." Schneizel bowed lightly and took his leave, closing the door behind him. Suzaku nodded in return and when the door closed his brow furrowed.

Man knew he couldn't stay inside forever, but now that he had recieved a command in disguise of an invitation, it all felt too soon. He shivered slightly at the thought, his chest covered in goosebumps. There was still an hour of time before he should decide what he should do. "What would you have done if you had been the one left behind?" Suzaku muttered quetly, his voice suddenly hoarse. What a foolish question, knowing Lelouch he would have already turned the tables to his advantage, living his life to fullest. Not reminiscenting on the past like some fool.

Brunette rubbed his temples, still a little sweaty after the hard exorcise. He knew there was no way he could turn down the invitation. Suzaku just couldn't hurt Nunnaly more than he already had. Maybe the idea of formal dinner would seem less devastating after hot shower...


	2. Memories of the past

Part 2. Memories of the past

Hot water really calmed and soothed his muscles and for a moment he calmed down. Leaning his head against the cool tiles, Suzaku finally made up his mind. It really didn't help anything, lingering on the past like this. What was done was already history and he could't change it. Kururugi Suzaku and Lelouch Lamperouge had died and the only thing that existed was the promise he had made to his friend.

A promise to look after his sister after his death. Even though it wouldn't really change a thing, Suzaku wasn't really kind of guy who would brake the promise he had made. Especially when it had been someones dying wish. Brunette shut down the shower, shaking water off from his skin. Determination gave him a little courage, knowing he couldn't back down now.

After he had dried himself, man walked to his wardrobe, shuffling through it. He really didn't have too many clothes, and most of them reminded him of things he wanted to forget. Knight's uniform, Knight of Zero outfit... all of those had unnerving memories he really didn't want to remember or remind Nunnaly of.

Finally he settled to plain gray suit he had bought with spare money, but never had gotten the chance to wear. It was formal, but not too fancy. The girl at the shop had complimented how it really made his eyes look green. Tiny smile crept at Suzakus face as he remembered it, he had bought this suit in occasion he ever got the courage to ask Euphemia on a date with him. But now it was already too late, so why should he let this suit just hang in the closet?

Suzaku dressed up, walking to full-size mirror hanging on the wall. It had been some time when he had looked at his reflection and he felt a little frightened on what he saw. Around his twenties, but he already had black circles under his eyes, for the lack of sleep. His face was pale and he had lost weight, a lot. Was he really this affected by one murder he had committed. It should have been just another one of the many, it had been a revenge, an agreement, so why couldn't he just let it go? Suzaku shook his head, slicking his hair back with his hand.

The halls were quiet, he didn't see anyone on his way to the dining hall and he couldn't help feeling a little relieved. Finally he reached his destination, it had taken a while to get there, considering the size of the castle and the fact he had asked for the unused, old part of the West wing, right on the other side from the regulary used parts of the building. Feeling lightly like an intruder, he knocked on the door before entering the well-lit room.

"Suzaku!" Before male could react anything, young Empress had run to him, hugging him tightly. "I've missed you so much!"

Uncertain on how to react, Suzaku looked the girl in the eyes. She seemed honest with her words, there wasn't a hint of anger or hatered in her pale violet eyes. "I...um..Thank you? Your Highness."

Girl let go of her grip, laughing. "I think you can drop your formalities here, Suzaku." She had huge smile on her face and her voice was soft. Schneizel stood on the back, watching his sister and the Japanese. "Please, come sit here. You look like you haven't eaten well lately.. I've prepared something I think you'll like."

Suzaku stepped forward, taking seat on the opposite from Nunnaly. Schneizel sat down further away, staying as the observer. "So...um..Nunnaly. What have you done for the time being? I guess I have purposely kept myself in the dark for some time about what has been going on." It felt a little awkward, talking like this to her, but Suzaku decided to give it his best, since he could see how Nunnaly was hurting inside, for the loss of her brother and all the changes that had happened to her in short period.

But the awkwardness didn't last for too long, soon the two of them felt nothing had happened at all and anytime Lelouch would walk in and everything would go back to normal, or at least back to the way it had been before the war. For the first time in ages Suzaku was able to forget it all for a while, eating all the Japanese cuisine Nunnaly had prepared for him and talking about everything, just like when they were still kids, living at the Kururugi shrine.

When they were finishing there desserts, Nunnaly suddenly looked at him, eyes full of tears. "When I came back to capital and I heard you hadn't been seen for two months, except by one maid, I was incredibly worried." She took a little pause, wiping her eyes. "I know that even though you had your reasons for hating my brother...even for killing him like that..." Another pause, her voice was shaking. "I know that deep inside, you really cared for him, didn't you?" Suzaku couldn't find the words to answer, he just nodded, looking at the girl. "I was so afraid. I didn't know if I'd lose you too!" Nunnaly cried openly, tears running from her eyes as she looked pleadingly at the brunette.

Surprised by her sudden outburst, Suzaku tried to think of a way to calm her down. "I'm not going to leave you. After all, I can't die. So please, don't worry about me!" Male did his best to form a smile on his face, trying to reassure the young Empress with it.

Without nether of them even noticing, Scneizel had stood up, walked behind his sister and was now offering an handkerchief to her. Lowering to whisper something to her ear, he quickly glanced towards Suzaku. Nunnaly dried her eyes, nodding to her half-brother.

"I have a lot of meetings to attend to tomorrow, so I guess I'll have to head for bed. It was really a pleasure to talk to you like this, after so long time. I really hope we can do this again, soon." Nunnaly stood up, smiling at Suzaku. She suddenly seemed much more mature than young male remembered her being. He stood up too, bowing his head and stood by until the Empress and her guardian had left the room.

Suzaku was still uncertain if the evening had gone well or not, but not wanting to stay for too long in a place where his identity could be revealed, Suzaku followed their footsteps, heading for his slumber.


	3. Scraping the surface

3. Scraping the surface

Closing the door behind him, Suzaku exhaled loudly. It had been too long since he had seen and talked to Nunnaly like this. It seemed she really had forgiven her and being the only person alive from her childhood, Suzaku felt he was obligated to comfort and protect the young Empress.

Man took off his suit, hanging it back to the closet. Not wanting to look at his reflection, he quickly dressed himself in yukata, tying the obi loosely around his hip. It was getting late and he knew he should go to bed to get at least some rest.

Suzaku lay down, closing his eyes and trying to clear his mind. Nights had always been the worst, ever since he had joined the army. Ever since he had murdered the first innocent Eleven in the name of what the higher ups called justice. They had been called terrorists, thieves, but in the end they had been just people who had fought for freedom and better life.

There had been times when Suzaku was used to death around him or at least it had dulled his valuing of human life. During his days as the Knight of Seven he had lost count of all the lives he had taken, all the families he had broken.

But now that his duties were no longer needed, all the memories had come back to him. There hadn't been one night since the Zero Requiem he hadn't woken up in the middle of the night, sweating and screaming in agony. Suzaku had thought those killings had been only a duty to him, but now their eyes, faces and pleas hunted him in his sleep.

Suzaku sighed, covering his face with the extra pillow. He really should try to get over this childish fear of sleeping. Nightmares would come, they always did, but he deserved them. He had killed all those people and this was only a minor punishment he had to live with. At least he was alive, unlike all those who hunted his slumber.

After tossing and turning around for a while, Suzaku sat up, knowing it wouldn't help at all, just lying in there. He got up from the bed, fixing his yukata out of old habit. He walked to the window, looking at the darkened garden. Before even realizing what he was doing, Suzaku's legs were taking him to the back door and outside.

Fresh air felt weird against his skin. It was first time for months he was outside like this, even though no one ever came to these parts of the garden. He could feel the dew against his bare feet, making him shiver slightly. It was surprisingly refreshing, being out in the open like this.

Suzaku walked further, not really going anywhere special, just wanting to enjoy the cool air and feeling of being the only person awake. Seeing a bench a little further away, he decided to go sit there for a moment before heading back inside.

Stone bench felt cold through his thin yukata, but he sat there nevertheless. Suzaku looked up, suddenly saddened by the lack of stars. The lights of the capital shone so brightly they blocked out everything else. It was so very human to try to reach the Gods,to make nights as bright as the days, but it was also their very instinct to fear the Gods and nights. Fear for the darkness that dulled the only sense they ever trusted, sight, and made strong men wither in fear after the sun had set.

Suddenly Suzaku felt incredibly old and tired of human, wanting only to sleep and forget all these plotting Emperors and their servants who knew only of bowing and telling lies. Already some of the Princesses and Princes who had been older and closer to crown were scheming behind Nunnaly's back, unsatisfied for the lack of power they had after the revolution.

He sighed, getting up from the bench, shivering in cold. It was getting late and he really should try to get some sleep. He didn't have any duties, but he still wanted to get up early to do is usual exorcises he had done since his childhood.

You loved him. Suzaku turned quickly, fighting instinct immediately taking over him. Prince, no, Prime Minister Schneizel's personal assistant Kanon Maldivi was standing nearby, small smile playing in his feminine face. Seeing Suzaku's fighting stance his smile widened tiniest bit.

Suzaku lowered his guard after recognizing the speaker, turning his face away. It was clear Kanon knew who he was and he must have heard from his master he was still alive, since there was no signs of shock on his face.

I don't know what you are talking about. Suzaku said in low voice, wanting to retire to his chambers after the tiring evening. He had been reminded of too many things today and he was already hoping he could forget past at least for a moment.

I think you know... but it is not my business and I shall speak of it no more. But it is the distinctive violet eyes of the holy Britannian family that ensnare you and once you stare in those amethyst eyes you can never forget them. Suddenly Kanon's eyes looked incredibly sad, even though he still had smile on his lips.

Suzaku knew what he meant, but he really didn't want to talk about it. Especially not to the servant of the man he hated. He killed the only woman I ever loved. He was once my friend but once joining the wrong side, he was nothing but an obstacle to be killed. Which I did. Now if you'll excuse me... Without waiting for his answer Suzaku turned, leaving the smiling duke standing alone in the shadows. It really had been too long day.

Suzaku walked quickly back to his door, shutting it behind his back, like it could block out all the darkness and memories. He could no longer feel the nightly dew on his feet, he just headed to his bed and hid under the covers, wanting to forget everything that had come to his mind after Kanon's words. Count had scraped the surface of something Suzaku had tried his best to forget and ignore, but now those lavender eyes seemed to be staring right into his soul, seeing everthing.

Suzaku felt like screaming, but instead he just calmed his breathing with all the willpower he had. He turned to lay on his side and closed his eyes, and without even realizing, he was fast asleep. Maybe the day had been harder than usual, discussing with Nunnaly and being reminded of Lelouch, but he slept calmly that night, without nightmares.


End file.
